I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
