I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
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