he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
