my soul wont recognize me after tonight
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
