his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
