i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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