Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
