Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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