I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
