Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
