mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
is that a dick in a sweater?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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