We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
