Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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