this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
