I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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