Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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