Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
you had me at cake vodka
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
