jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
