I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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