On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
ttyl tear gas
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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