Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
We're too hungover to prance.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
