How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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