I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
