Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
The Olympian is in my bed
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
