I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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