Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
