It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I AM VODKA MAN
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
