Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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