We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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