Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I need to align my fucking chakras
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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