no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
