I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
