Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
