I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
