Where did you get a picture of my penis
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
whose ass print is on the piano?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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