I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
