Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
