I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
