now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
