I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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