Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
