Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
