White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Randomize
