recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
