I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
