Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
