Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
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