I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
