he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
