I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
BRING THE BAGELS
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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