so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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