ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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