im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
