nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
