you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm too high and old for this...
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
